The other day, I was talking to my friend as he was sitting in what he described as a “trendy” coffee shop in downtown Dallas.  He observed that all around him at his long, shared (trendy) table,  a group of budding young “would-be entrepreneurs” were discussing their careers in social media marketing.  If comments could be believed, so successful were these individuals in shaping the landscape of social media marketing that Jamie had stumbled into a virtual brain trust.  In fact, he was likely in the company of the genius who came up with the San Francisco Bat Kid in support of the Make a Wish Foundation.

#seemsunlikely

But what these young individuals perhaps lacked in the way of actual successes (or real employment), they more than made up for in confidence.   Absolute, potentially blind confidence in themselves, in their abilities, and in their decision to hang around a coffee shop in the middle of the day.

And though we were laughing about it, the subject of confidence is something that has come under much scrutiny lately.  Ironically, the most fuel for the recent fire is the social media campaign “ban bossy,” sponsored by Sheryl Sandberg and her Lean In contingent. The campaign is targeted around the elimination of the word bossy, citing that young women are allowing this derogatory label to undermine their self-confidence and ultimate willingness to lead.  The campaign calls for the action of eliminating the word from our language.

As an interesting aside, Margaret Talbot published a thoughtful rebuttal argument in the New Yorker this week which touched on the fact that where the label bossy may be impacting a young woman’s willingness to be a leader, the label nerd may have, historically, impacted a young man’s willingness to be an intellectual.  In more modern times, however, the label nerd has been largely embraced and is now used to self-describe with a tongue-and-cheek kind of pride.  We didn’t eliminate the usage of the word nerd… we just decided to own it.   In what I feel is a very Take Back the Night approach, she seems to argue that the real campaign should be around embracing the idea that bossiness, when you are actually the boss, is a positive thing. (That’s right, bitches. I’m the boss. )  I personally find Talbot’s approach more compelling.

But back to the subject of confidence.

Some amount of confidence is healthy, even required, in order to succeed in the world today.  Those who lack it – male or female – are typically trampled by those around them.  Especially in a corporate environment.  As the old saying goes, if you don’t believe in yourself, why should I believe in you?   But when does confidence start to morph into its evil twin, arrogance?  And are women really less likely to be confident than men?  Or are men just better actors, trained from a younger age or from a different perspective to don the mantel of confidence regardless of how they actually feel on the inside?

Did those young social media marketers really feel as confident as they projected?  Or was it all a front?

As I’ve been thinking about this topic, I was curious of the origin of a phrase that I keep hearing recently: “fake it ’til  you make it.”  I honestly thought I’d find some political speech or modern writer as the attributed source.  Instead, though the actual source of that exact phrase is unknown, referenced as the root of the idea is Aristotle, with his similar quote: “acting virtuous will make one virtuous.”   The idea is that if you act the way people with those qualities act – whether virtue or confidence – you are in fact in possession of that quality.  Regardless of your feelings.   By that line of thought, confidence becomes less of a feeling and more of a series of actions which can be taught, adopted, and practiced.   It lends some credence to the hypothesis that men as a group may behave in a more confident manner than women, even though all human emotions are rooted in the same biology.  Men may feel just as insecure as women, but are taught better how to overcome the emotion with action.

I’m not necessarily agreeing or disagreeing with the hypothesis, for the record.  Just exploring the thought.  But it does make me examine my own actions and emotions, and it also makes me think about my daughters.  What is the example I’m setting for them, and what do I need to make sure they learn about self-confidence?

I think it boils down to this:

Confidence is the feeling or belief that one can rely on someone or something; self-confidence is the belief that you can rely on yourself.   Healthy self-confidence, however,  is rooted in faith, which is the belief that you can rely on God.   I can do anything.  I can do nothing.  Humility is what prevents self-confidence from becoming arrogance.

I’m going to leave you with one last quote by Mahatma Gandhi:

“Man often becomes what he believes himself to be. If I keep on saying to myself that I cannot do a certain thing, it is possible that I may end by really becoming incapable of doing it. On the contrary, if I have the belief that I can do it, I shall surely acquire the capacity to do it even if I may not have it at the beginning.”