When I was kid, I loved Amy Grant.  Like absolutely loved.  My sister used to call me “Grace Grant,” probably in no small part because I regularly wore an Amy Grant concert t-shirt from the one and only concert I ever attended before the age of 18.  I remember as clear as day buying the Heart in Motion cassette tape when it was released.  I spent the entire day stretched out on my bed with the  cassette liner spread open in front of me, tape player going, following along with all the lyrics trying to absorb them and love them.  And yes, I said cassette.

There’s a song on the B side called “Hats” that was never one of the big radio hits in the months following the release.  Or ever.  And in reality,  it’s not that great of a song.  Even at the time, I was a bit disgusted that even a single song on the tape was less than satisfying.  Safe to say my expectations were pretty high, Amy.   But lately I’ve found myself thinking about that song on and off.  It actually pops into my head almost randomly, which is odd considering I haven’t listened to that album in about a decade.  Odd, perhaps, but not a mystery that takes a great detective to solve.

The song is about trying to juggle roles.  Being different things to different people. Trying to shift gears between one side of yourself and another.   Wearing different hats.  Can we say thematically appropriate?

I post a lot of pins (as you know if you follow me on pinterest) about living authentically.  About being true to self.  About the importance of being self-aware and self-accepting.  Messages like that draw me, probably because there is so much in life that pushes us away from those concepts.  I appreciate and embrace reminders that it’s worth the fight to be true to yourself.  But the tough reality is that most of us have more than one side — wear more than one hat.  Humans are multidimensional — at least, the interesting ones are.

I think it’s safe to say that this year has been one of the most difficult of my life in terms of keeping all the disparate pieces of myself in sync.  The constant rounds of work travel have been unrelenting since January, and nothing highlights the harsh transition between my roles the way that work travel does.  In the normal course of things, shifting between mom and executive, between wife and athlete-in-training, between health food hobbyist and social coordinator… there are lot of blurred lines.  The executive in her workout clothes, working from home and throwing dinner in the oven between meetings.  Running out to the grocery store or for a quick lunch with the husband.  Cooking a creative and healthy lunch in preparation for boxing class while listening to a conference call.  In a weird way, it all works somehow.

When I’m traveling, though, there is no blur.  Some roles become the focus – like executive and social coordinator – and some are set aside completely – like mom and wife.  Then, as a natural swing of the pendulum, when I come back home, more effort is put into the neglected roles.  More mental energy has to be put into the transition because it IS such a taking off and putting on of hats.   And as I scramble to adjust – week after week – to the roles that need to be my focus, I feel a bit like the suitcase that is now a permanent fixture in my bedroom floor.  It used to be beautifully packed, all the clothes clean and folded neatly.  Shoes compartmentalized.  Toiletries in neat little plastic bags.  Easy to find what I need when I need it.  And as the year has progressed and my mental energy is reaching the brink of exhaustion, I have more and more random things scattered on the floor.  I’m trying to remember how they fit in the suitcase — I know they did because I packed them there myself.  But now everything is jumbled and disorganized, a tad wrinkled, and… is that salsa or spaghetti sauce?

The swinging of the pendulum has left me with frayed edges, and I’m standing here now wondering how I’m supposed to go about rounding up all the different parts of myself into one neat little packaged person again.  And not just one person, but one with a single set of “authentic” ideas, emotions, and motivations.  On the one hand, it will be a difficult journey to sort through the mess that the constant barrage has made of me and come out the other side.  On the other, how uniquely blessed I am to have the opportunity to more clearly take a step back and examine each element of myself for its function, its beauty and its delight — discarding the unnecessary.   As Lewis Carroll wrote in Alice in Wonderland: “I can’t go back to yesterday because I was a different person then.”  And really, isn’t that true of each of us every day?

So I’m thankful this Monday morning that I’m at home – at my desk.  Where I can think a little more clearly and take a beat to just… be.   The work travel is done for at least a few weeks, and I am ready to embrace this moment for everything it is and everything it isn’t.  Because one thing I do know to still hold true despite everything else:  forward is, as always, the only way through.