Today, I’m drinking my coffee black.  I’m up early on a Saturday before the kids to finish my grocery list, too.  Don’t worry — it sounds insane even to me.  But I’m doing it anyway, and I’m going to tell you why.

For the last seven months, I’ve been pretty strictly paleo.  Not 100%, but probably close to 95%.  That means no grains, no dairy, no refined sugars, no legumes and no alcohol except for wine (which is supposed to be “limited,” but what is limited, really?)   It’s been awesome, and I’ve lost all the baby weight plus some, for a grand total of around 25 lbs.  I can also run eight miles without feeling like I’m going to die, which is a pretty big accomplishment for me.

But today is the first day of March.  Which despite being an arbitrary calendar date makes me feel like a fresh start is in order.  The winter months have been incredibly hard this year, and I feel weighed down with all of it.  I’ve also been eating everything in my path like some horrible tornado, spitting broken windows and rooftops in my wake.  Baked goods, even paleo ones, have calories and fat and guilt.

Guilt is kind of a funny emotion to have in relation to food, if you stop and think about it.  Food is supposed to nourish and strengthen us, providing energy to go about our day.  But before you stop reading for fear I’m about to say something annoying like “I only eat to fuel my body” or “food is just fuel,” let me assure you I am not.  Food is so much more than fuel to me.  Good food is practically a religious experience, and the consumption of food is one of life’s great social lubricants.

But it does, at least for me, frequently come with a heaping helping of guilt.  It had too many calories. I ate too much of it. It wasn’t strictly paleo.  It wasn’t organic.  And, as a mother now too, add in: it took me too long to make it and clean it up.  I should have spent that time with my kids.  The quest for simple, delicious, healthful food is like the Holy Grail to me.  Any two of those criteria is easy.  I can do that all day long.  Delicious and healthful alone would result in using six pans, a food processor, the oven, and the stove.  Phenomenal, but time consuming both before and after the meal is over and the kids need a bath.  Simple and healthful is okay sometimes, by how much baked chicken and steamed veggies can one eat?  That’s an actual question — does anyone know?  I may be uncomfortably close to the limit there.  Simple and delicious is probably the easiest to achieve.  Hello, have you met my friend Mac N Cheese?  Yes, it might be a brilliant shade of orange, but it’s so. good.  So good.  Anyone who says otherwise is lying to your face.  But no, I don’t eat that.  That comes with the worst kind of guilt (not to mention actual chemicals.  Mmmmm, chemicals).

So where does that leave me today, and why am I watching the sun rise over black coffee?   Today, I’m starting a Whole 30 program.  It’s like paleo on crack.  In addition to the normal restrictions, Whole 30 eliminates all sweeteners (honey, maple syrup, coconut sugar), all paleo flour replacement (almond flour, coconut flour), and all alcohol.  Yep, goodbye wine.  I will see you in 30 days.  Because that’s the only saving grace of the Whole 30 — it’s temporary.  Think of it as a detox.  My goal with this program is to hit a reset button on the bad decisions of winter in preparation for warmer weather and more active living.  And confession: I’d love to lose those last 10 lbs before bathing suit weather, too.  I wish my motivations WERE as pure as just how healthy I am on the inside…  I’m working on it.

I actually tried this a few weeks ago, and I confess to you now that I didn’t make it very far.  I lasted a grand total of 5 days before breaking down and putting coconut sugar in my coffee, dressing on my salad, and opening a bottle of wine with my dinner.  Five days.  I’m not exactly proud of that, but it was a lot harder to do than I thought it would be.  I’ve since read that sugar (in any form, not just refined) is more addicting than cocaine.  If you stop and think about that, it’s pretty shocking.  Sugar, something I give my child voluntarily when she  tinkles on the potty like a big girl, is more addicting than cocaine.   Wow.

But knowledge is power, and I know how hard it’s going to feel this time around.  I’m planning out my grocery list carefully to make sure it is packed full of low-sugar, fiber-full veggies that will keep me so full nothing else is even interesting.  I’ve cleared my travel calendar so that I can be home, with all the tools I need to succeed.  And the ace in my pocket is the beginning of Lent, which will remind me to offer up the sacrifice to God for those who are truly suffering.  It will remind me that my struggle to not eat chocolate and not drink wine isn’t worthy of the label sacrifice or suffering compared to what so many are experiencing every day.  Perspective is important, and I will lean on it heavily to get through the next 30 days.

And so with that, I’m off to finish my planning and get in action.  And get another cup of black coffee.  You will no doubt be regaled with tales of my journey here, though I’m restricted from anything like weighing myself for the duration of the detox.   Feel free to offer up words of encouragement as you feel compelled to do so, though… because I am likely going to need it.