I had a friend tell me the other day I was a “woman on a mission.”  We were talking about working out, and I was sharing the fact that in addition to my runs, I’ve been incorporating a second workout 6 days a week that’s aimed at toning and sculpting.

What I was describing was, in fact, a lot of working out.  And he was right — I am a woman on a mission.  Regardless of how hard it is, I’m relentlessly determined to achieve what I’ve set out to do.  Tackling with tenacity the goal I have outlined for myself, which in this case is fitness related.

It’s not totally out of character for me to tackle something in an “all in” fashion.  In fact, I’d go so far as to say it’s my way.   I have an easier time being either all in or all out than straddling the gray area in the middle.  My favorite compliment that I’ve ever received in my life was probably 12 or so years ago now.  Someone told me “you’re one of the most effective people I know.”

At the time, it surprised and delighted me.  I was caught off guard for a second, stopping to think “what does that even mean?”  At 23 years old, it’s definitely not the kind of compliment you’re angling for.  But when I realized he was saying “when you decide to do something, you – more than others – get it done,” I understood I would probably never receive a more meaningful compliment in my life.   And over the years, I’ve taken it out and mentally snuggled it when I feel particularly ineffective in doing what I’m trying to do.

But being an all in kind of person is both a blessing and a curse, really.  It depends on what I’m being relentlessly determined about.  When it’s my workouts or decision to eat only (ok, mostly) nutritious foods, it feels like a blessing.  When it’s keeping the kitchen counters free of junk (keys, phone chargers, random screws, broken toy parts), it feels a lot like a curse and looks a lot like OCD.  I’d really rather not care, since it just forces me to beat my head against an immovable wall all day.   But somewhere over the years, I decided I would not live a life surrounded by junk-filled counter tops, and by golly, I don’t.  Effective, but if you asked my husband he might also add “and annoying.”

In short, it can at times be a battle to keep this personality trait from being a total wad of steel wool against the nerves of my friends and family.

Lately, though,  I’ve been feeling like God gave me this ability to be relentlessly determined and effective for a reason that I haven’t fully realized yet.  I’m not sure what, though I have a few projects and ideas about it marinating in the back of my mind.  Or as my friend Jeff says, I’m “noodling” on it.  [insert mental image of gross squishy pasta here].

A friend recently shared a story with me called “The Crossroads of Should and Must.”  It was written by a woman who decided to set aside all the normal expectations and safe paths to pursue something for which she was all-in passionate about.  She shares: “Should is how others want us to show up in the world… It’s the vast array of expectations that others layer upon us.  When we choose Should the journey is smooth, the risk is small…[but] Must is who we are, what we believe, and what we do when we are alone with our truest, most authentic self… Must is what happens when we stop conforming to other people’s ideals and start connecting to our own.”

It was definitely and interesting and timely read, which I’d recommend if that kind of thing interests you.  It made me want to go out and DO. Something. Anything.  My Passion, whatever that ends up being.  The tricky thing about a marinating idea, though, is sometimes it has its own timing.  It’s not necessarily something that can be forced to the forefront before its ready.

So I will continue to let the juices flow, and feed my ideas as often as I can with possibilities.  Let my quiet mind meditate near them, but not on them.  Because for me, nothing kills a bud of creativity like too much focus.  It has to bloom first.  In its own time… which is almost always the right time.